Happy Birthday You Alcoholic, Spendthrift, Chocoholic, Cat-Lover...

Guys, I am cowering my head in shame as I have not posted since this time last WEEK. So much for my #100DaysofWriting. Even with weekends off, which I decided was necessary quite early on, this is still four days of nothing. I am getting back on the horse today with a post that I have been meaning to write for a while on greeting cards.... don't worry, it'll have lots of pics.

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Happy Birthday You Alcoholic, Spendthrift, Chocoholic, Cat-Lover...

The other day I went shopping for a birthday card for one of my best friends and left feeling irritated. This is something I have experienced before when hunting for cards. You see in well-stocked card shops and boutiques there is usually a wide variety of cards, many of which blow the stereotype out of the window, but most still reinforce it and in shops with a smaller choice, they all do.

What is this stereotype you may ask?

Here are some "ladies" having lunch... obvs with oodles of shopping bags and wearing ballgowns

According to Greeting Cards, women are shopaholics who only care about looking good and the sensual pleasures in life eg: chocolate, cake and wine. Or cats. Or they think about cock all the time. And they spend lots of money on said chocolate and shopping, but it is always their boyfriend's cash. And they "never have enough to wear", which is like the world's biggest disaster OMFG.

Does this really need a caption? There are some breasts...

Men - according to greeting cards -  men are equivalently obsessed with tits and alcohol (maybe fair in some cases). And football is their shopping and they also enjoy complaining about how their wives and girlfriends spend all their money on shopping and wine etc. But men also have cars, all forms of transport, actually, they tend to favour trains in youth and then cars and boats (not sure how greeting -card woman gets anywhere- perhaps she has to wait for her boyfriend to pick her up in a sports car). Greeting card man also has all the sports that he can play, woman sometimes makes reference to the gym, but usually only in the context of how she'd prefer to have a Sauvignon Blanc. (She is definitely an alcoholic) .

See all women spend ridiculous amounts of money on face cream if it ensures a youthful appearance

Greeting card woman is also very concerned with her age and her lines and how people might think she looks compared to some 18 year old woman. Men are concerned about age too, but mostly because they aren't as good at football and maybe no women will let them stick it in them. They then progress straight to grumpy old man who likes gardening and moaning. Apparently.

Here they are... busy bitching about some wrinkles on some other, older women...

Ahhh a lovely Princess.. with animals dancing about her. That squirrel must be GM... haven't seen a red one in years.

Greeting card woman is also often described as being bossy and high maintenance and always right. Whether these are the only women who receive cards/star in them is unclear. Yes, she is either a bossy cow or a Princess or a Mum.. The Princesses piss me off the most to be honest, they are always wearing bloody pink and they really do nothing except wear crowns...

I spoke to my mother a while back about my frustration with greeting cards and she calmly said... yes but do you know how much these new stereotypes are a step forward from the old ones... She was talking about cards that featured good wives who cooked and often featured a vacuum cleaner as the central excitement. I understood her point.

And by the way, I think the stereotypes in cards are bad for men as well. I like to think that although men may enjoy looking at a large breast/having a beer/watching football, they may wish to be defined by some other facets of their personality on their day of birth. 

Men are extremely simple don't you know...

Anyway, rant over, here are some more of the LOL cards I have discovered.... And if anyone else buys me a card about being a shopaholic who's constantly keeling over from excessive consumption of Rose Pinot and cake, I may scream... Unless... maybe... that's what people think of me. ;)

Another Wino Wendy. So LOL and original.

 

So I forgot how Greeting Card Woman is also really shit at packing and has to take LOADS of suitcases. Probs for all her clothes and shopping and face creams...

HA HA HA. Your daughter is an obese alcoholic who can't read ROFL ROFL

Young Greeting Card Woman (and Man) is often obsessed with WiFi and Gadgets. Apaz also still LOL to sort of hint and domestic abuse...

Aaaah a classic... (read no man in her life, probs wears weird clothes, smells)

Still wrong to be called high-maintenance and demanding. So deny it girls. Get your blow drys in secret. Wear jeans with rips.

Daphne is a lucky bitch who apparently lives in a lovely rural community with fields etc

    

Ah classic dog/bitch joke. Throw in a sausage there... why not...

What a bossy, hysterical woman. Also where is Mr Bossy..

Why would they when women love shopping SO MUCH and spending all their cash. LOL that men love Hawaiian shirts as well.

This is what women think, all the time

#The100DayProject #100DaysofWriting, Day 13 (late)

What Future for Words?

This is the first in a series of posts Ì have written on the Cheltenham Literary Festival. I tried to blog #live-ish from the event, but bearing in my mind I'm rubbish at filing my blog copy when I have a laptop and three free hours...trying to do it between talks and book signings and dinners was a little difficult.. and I was a little lazy.

The What Future For Words? debate was sponsored by Warwick University and asked just asked that questions and furthermore, what the challenges and opportunities facing a new generation of writers in the shifting cultural landscape were. 

Chair Roly Keating of the British library was joined by writer, AL Kennedy, publisher Gail Rebuck, spoken-word artist Amerah Saleh and games writer and novelist Rebecca Levene to discuss the future of writing in the UK.

Why I'm Doing Sober for October

I know you probably don't really care, but I feel the need to say anyway. I certainly wouldn't care if it was me and someone else was doing it. I'd probably just think that they were being bloody boring and if they wanted to give money to charity, why didn't they just do it instead of forcing their sober personality on their poor unsuspecting friends and acquaintances. Turns out that wino friend ain't so fun without a couple of g&ts...

I definitely wouldn't sponsor anyone and likewise I wouldn't expect anyone to sponsor me. Sure it's for a good cause but why should I give someone money for not drinking? That's a personal choice and not like you are climbing a mountain or doing a marathon or what not. You're just laying off the vino. Big woop-de-doo. I'd probably prefer if you were just consistently drunk anyway, it would amuse me more. 

But I'm doing it. Macmillan Cancer Research's "Sober for October" campaign planted the seed and it has rooted and sprouted and here I am on the road of 31 days without London's Prozac and here's why. (aside from the obvious benefit to the WONDERFUL charities I'm supporting, soz Macmillan, I'm spreading the lovveee and all the below charities are fab - see links below to see what they do xx.)

Bender September

First there was the summer of pubs and Pimms and mid-week gins. Al-fresco = el drinko and there's just too many options. Then there was a two week holiday in Crete at the beginning of September full of Greek spirit. Then there was a well-oiled business's trip to Japan followed by days and days of social occasions right up until last weekend and then I stopped and promptly got flu. So sure my body is crying out for this

My Bank Balance Doesn't Want to Sponsor My Drinking Habit Anymore

It's not looking happy (see previous paragraph) with my endless shenanigans. It's basically telling me that it only wants to pay for necessities and occasional wholesome treats and not double Hendricks G&Ts for me and five friends in London's marked up establishments. Look at me, it insists, I'm so skinny right now (unlike you) and I need to get a bit of meat on me before you insist that it's Christmas and you want more sponsor money. I mean really.. Rude. 

To Do: Sort Life 

There's a few things in my life right now that really need sorting, that need some decisions to be made, actions to be taken, the most significant life-admin, possibly. 

I have found myself not to be the most productive when a) hungover or b) planning my life admin around my jam-packed social life. I feel that losing the sauce for a month will propel me in to action, as the thought of a six hour pub session when everyone else is pissed and I'm nursing an orange juice and trying to make sense of dull drunkards conversation is not appealing. 

Health

I haven't been to the gym in at least three months and I have certainly piled on some holiday weight. I need to fight that bitch with all my sober strength and the arse-kicking endorphin loving, clean-eating version of me is not usually present at the same time as lush wine-o-clock me. So one of them has to get packing for a while while the balance realigns...  The end result will be back to moderation in all things...

Just to Prove I Can

Four years ago I didn't drink for 40 days and it wasn't too much of a stretch, didn't really affect my life at all... When I thought about that recently it scared me, hence the need to do it immediately. 

A lot of people will assume I can't do it too and therefore I would like to stick my middle finger up and prove I still have the will power of Mother Theresa when I want to.

A lot of other people may think that this really is not a big deal, no alcohol for a month, but if you are a young(ish) professional in media, in London, with my social circle unless you hate booze... trust me it is no mean feat...

My page is here. 

I don't expect anyone to donate as I said, I bloody wouldn't. I plan to give ten pounds every time I pass a situation when I would usually drink. However, I will be splitting equally between:

• Macmillan Cancer Research
• The Halow Project
• World Land Trust
• Epilepsy Action

Please read more about these wonderful charities on their links.

I'll keep you updated....

On Still Being An Inbetweener

Firstly I'd like to point out that the original series of The Inbetweeners started in 2008 when I was neither a teenager, nor male, however certainly identified with that late-teenage claw through life. Time was when everything was a potential embarassment or fuck-up and you really didn't know whether you were coming or going. Whether it was cringe-worthy encounters with the opposite sex, the endless quest for "cool" or the feeling of being slightly out of place in every possible situation.

I also identified greatly with the sentiment of the "Inbetweener", halfway between childhood and adulthood and not really sure if you want to be either. The thing is now in my *cough late twenties, I would have assumed that my "Inbetweener" stage was over and I'd be well into my adjusted adult phase where everyday life was a breeze and my problems were only important, real things like death and taxes.

I have since discovered that is not the case.

July Lust List

It is summer and so I shouldn't really think about shopping, more about sunning and lying and reading. Why do more people not have outside beds? Anyway, this is a new series - the monthly Lust List. Basically, just things I want... a wide variety of things really.. Here we go

We're All Going on a Much Documented #Selfie Saturated Summer Holiday

I have a question for you, or a few if you don't mind. If a modern guy or gal goes on holiday and no one sees a #selfie from it, has it really happened? If a person enjoys good weather, ice cream and super strength cocktails at an achingly cool bar and no #hashtags are employed, was it worth it? If a beach view is enjoyed and marvelled over on vacance, but not snapped and shared and Instagrammed the crap out of, is it as beautiful? I think you know what I'm getting at kids.. The holiday overshare, the boastelfie, the validation vacation, the inherent obsession that the modern generation have with documenting our leisure time, with making sure everyone knows that we are having FUN in the sun or other, around the world. Check out our beach bodies, how cool we are, you're in the office so...

I do not protest my innocence in this. My Instagram feed is choc full of exotic check-ins, #Ibiza selfies, sponsored by aviator, here I am chilling on the slopes, at a sunny English seaside town, cityscape of #HongKong. It's all there. I work in the travel industry, I understand the power of an image believe me.. Half of my job on the online side relies on the fact that people love to take a piccy on hol. In our image-obsessed, digital society that shares life's highs everyday, holidays are the most aesthetically pleasing and probably flushest time of our years...

But how much is too much? Do we miss out on actually absorbing the experience as we view it through a lens and worry about the lack of fucking wi-fi? When does it go from fun to irritatingly irksome.. Or is it simply the present day diary and a given in our social world. Inspired by a recent group of some of my bestest friends (they know who they are) who seemed to narrate their recent holiday from start to finish with images of them looking absolutely gorgeous and sun-kissed and oh so desirable. Here are my rules:

1) Bikini Overload

A couple of casual bikini shots with your friends or a kooky pic of you on the beach is fine.

However, an entire album of you posing, pornstar/fashion model-esque on the beach in a variety of poses is not..

Rihanna and Kelly Brook are prime examples... okay okay, they are models and singers who make money from their looks, so perhaps we can forgive them for it. However, when I see "normal", yet perhaps unfairly aesthetically gifted girls posting picture after picture of themselves in their bikinis, I just cringe. Sure, we may marvel at their insane bodies that they have probably worked extremely hard for, but eventually it just seems a little sad.. the need for that constant validation from your friends, followers and random #pervs screams lack of self esteem and real love of your own body.

2) The excessive "Check-in". 

I learnt this the hard way.. see examples below..

 

Whilst it may fun to share your enthusiasm once that you've arrived in Mykonos, are swimming in Maya Bay (is there 3G there?) or have climbed Kilimanjaro, numerous check-ins narrating where you are every moment of the day is bloody annoying and to be honest, no one cares. They are not there. Whilst your Facebook friends may "like" one or two check-ins when they know you deserve a holiday, five per day on a week's holiday that include Nikki Beach, VIP Champagne bar, Les Caves Du Roy etc, just makes you look like a tool, a gold digger or an alcoholic. Do you even like half these places or are you just worried that you won't remember where you've been. :P

3) Couples, again, calm down with the sick-making holly snaps. 

Yes you're both gorgeous and having a wonderful time, but stop taking photos and actually enjoy each other. 

This is sweet:

This type of thing (below) on the other hand is cringe... fine for your personal collection or on the wall of you house, but not for sharing.. We get you're happy, tanned and attractive.. we don't need to see your pre-coital beach moments...

4) Group shots should be relaxed and natural or in action...

A couple of my holiday snaps...

You are not models on a beach... unless you actually are.

How long did it take you to get in those poses anyway... surely spending half an hour getting just the right shot with you all looking fit and hip and unbothered by life or having a v posed HILARIOUS time could be better spent actually partaking in your holiday. This leads onto...

5) The timing rule.

This basically says that it is acceptable if you go on holiday and upload maybe one or two photos whilst you're there, then an entire album of mildly-cringe shots, mixed with some pissed blurry ones and a few scenery/artsy snaps once you return. This was one album that you spent five minutes uploading in the hours you returned with a major case of the holiday blues.

Updating your Instagram with hashtags whilst you are on holiday, putting every photo up and replying to comments.. just ain't. Again, I reiterate, are you bored by the company you are in, or so addicted to networking that you can't leave it alone.

6) I don't want to see every meal you eat... (this goes for non-holiday life, for some people too)

Unless you are offering me a recipe, then I'd be quite keen. Yes the tomatoes are plumper in Provence and you're eating a real Italian pizza in Tuscany, fabulous for you. But I can't fucking have it. You are just wanting people to be jealous of you again.. aren't you... Why is that?

*Note, extremely aesthetically pleasing images, or great photography can be forgiven.

7) Keep the "in-jokes" n #holidaybanter to a minimum.

Wittily titled albums and smartly captioned twit pics are only funny for people who are there... We've all been on one of those holidays, where we spent the whole time laughing and wanted to spread the joy when we return. However, other people won't get it...and again most of the time.. they'll just cringe or think you're a dick.

To be honest, there's hundreds more I can think of.. all of which by the way, I have certainly done. Writing this post has simply made me ask why we do it.. why we overshare our most precious time away. There seems to be three main reasons to me:

1) To make other people jealous: So we all may do this occasionally, but constantly throwing your fabulous life in other peoples faces is just so unnecessary, do you want to make people feel bad.. Something we should all grow out of before our 25th birthdays..

Similarly

2) Validation: Look how great I am, look how attractive I am, look how happy I am, look what hip places I go to APPROVE of me... PLEASE. Need I say more. Do you approve of yourself darling?

3) For laughs: This I comprehend more, because videos of you and your friends drunk dancing or belly flopping in a packed pool probably will be funny to other people, not present. As long as your not just showing off (see 1 and 2).

Having said all this.. maybe I'm just being a bitter, singleton with a far from perfect bikini bod who isn't going on holiday till September (watch for the selfies). Who knows???? :)

#BeachSelfie

Febresolutions 2014

So yes it is February and eleven days in... However, I do not agree with making resolutions in January. It is the worst month of the year when one is already thoroughly depressed. To be honest, I have never liked resolutions as a rule, they are always so negative and dull. Focusing on forsaking the things we love and berating ourselves for not being good enough people. From last year I really decided that I would never start the new year with such predictability. But it seems almost impossible not to get excited by the prospect of the proverbial clean page.. or an excuse to alter our Christmas-clogged psyches that last had a re-jig in the post-summer haze of back-to-school September. I also advocate starting in Feb, this may be because my birthday and about ten of my friends are in January and so our Christmas excess and lack of concentration on anything but celebration seems to last extra-long.

My 2013 - let's call it aspiration - was to "dwell in possibility" (a little vague??) as well as to start blogging and writing again and to go to bed earlier. It was only really in the last part of the year that I began to heed these resolutions and actually begun writing again. I tried to go to bed earlier for about a week.. This did not last.

This year, I feel in the perfect place to do much more... And so here they are, my aims for 2014 written down as much for myself as for anyone else reading: I'll warn you there's 15 - should be able to accomplish one surely...  Do not expect any promises to give up smoking or drink less as really... if that's what you want... look away now.

1) Learn to Code Properly

Apparently everyone should have the skill. It makes you, you know a "desirable" employee. For me it's really about being able to make stuff look good; to be able tinker about with websites for clients and myself without you know calling the tech guy.. Because really it's so much easier if you can do things yourself. At the moment I can do basics through google. Also, I'd like to make this site look better. 

2) Embrace Awkward

Whether it's innate shyness, extreme Britishness or something else. I have a severe fear of the awkward situation. Not just a normal #cringe moment, I go in to full blown fear. At the moment, I have a policy of avoid or run- away. I can't even watch awkward situations on films or tv shows, I turn away and cover my ears. In real life situations, I walk away or change the subject if anything awkward comes up. I never go on dates for fear of awkward, or if I do, I get tipsy enough that I don't feel the awkward. However I believe in facing your fears so for me, it's time to face the awkward. Quite how to do this and how exactly I will fight my natural instincts.. Is yet to be seen.

2) Write My Play

I have had the idea for a good six months and I think it's a good one. I've been scared of the form and the genre, I'm used to writing prose and haven't written a play script for ten years. However, I think the idea is so good that someone else will write it soon if I don't, and that will annoy me soooo much.

3)  Have a Night of Passion with Harry Styles or Marry Benedict Cumberbatch

Yeah ok, this one's obv a silly one. Have a curly-crush on the 1D Lothario, even though he most likely bats for the other team and is substantially younger. #perv. As for Benedict, totally in love with that man. He's just so clever and slightly odd-looking which I enjoy. There's no harm putting it down on paper... You never know...

4) Cook

Have started cooking more recently and vow to do more, for health and hosting reasons. Maybe will also add to my potential wife-skills #stillafeminist

5) Continue to Write and Not Just on Here

Writing might be the activity that makes me feel the most content and grounded in life (as well as angry and exasperated at times). Yet for three years I did not write one word that wasn't work related.

Chewed up by the 7-7 London life that we trip along through from desk to treadmill, from transport to social occasion, meal to life admin. I forgot - or more like avoided - doing what I loved because I was scared to. Late 2013, I began writing this blog and now I feel like I'm ready to write more and more and hopefully even for publication. Prose and poetry and screenplays and articles - I want to try it all.

6) Get Body the Best it Can Be Whilst Still Under 30 as Not Much Time Left (and Climb the Three Peaks)

I'm an all or nothing girl when it comes to exercise. Either a total gym-bunny; obsessed and depressed if I miss a workout or not doing anything at all and living the life of the London work-hard, play-hard and nothing in between kind of girl. At 28 though, it's time to get myself into the best shape I can before my body won't do what I tell it to so easily...

I've wanted to do the three peaks for five years at least and as part of my fitness goal and because my angel little sister is constantly doing impressive fitness feats, this is the year.

7) Be Early or at Least On Time

Perpetually 15 minutes late to EVERYTHING. I've always hated feeling constrained when I don't have to. I don't feel like it's a rude thing, more like a daydreamer thing. Though I don't like the thought that it comes across rude to others...So I'm giving it a go from now on....

8) Walk and Read

When I walk I find my brain settles on it's best ideas and so walking to and / or from work every day seems like a smart idea. Plus it helps with the above.

As a child I was a bookworm, literally nose always in a book and I still am... But these days so many other things seem to distract me. I want to try and make sure I get through at least a book a month. Not only do I enjoy it, but it powers my brain and how can I hope to be a good writer if I don't read.

9) Try to Eat Minimal Sugar as You Drink Enough of it at Weekends

Sugar is the devil and addictive and makes you fat. But I love white wine. And that's really it. 

10) Date

I hate dating (see embrace awkward above). I've always found it terribly American and fake, but really I'm not likely to find the love of my life bar hopping or at work, so I think I need to do more of it. I also relish the opportunity for amusing material for this blog.

11) Paperwork, Cash & Adult Shit

I hate paperwork, leave it in piles until I give myself a panic attack from the stress and I'm pretty bad with money. Again a growing-up point but more because I know it will make me happier if I am organised.

12) Tattoo

I used to think they were dreadful and dirty, or at least something people did to follow the crowd. I've scoffed at friends who have them. Now I want one, probably because I finally know and trust myself enough to not regret it. Watch this space...

13) Give Something

Life is better when you do things for other people. I think I'm pretty thoughtful to my friends and family- most of the time. However, I want to do something for a bigger cause for someone who really needs it. 

14) Tech-NO

So I'm a little too addicted to the internet, to social media: instagram, Facebook, twitter, linkedin, pinterest, vine - you name it, I've dabbled. I'm subscribed to hundreds of blogs, viral sites and everything in between. I know though that I should switch off at least one night a week. Nothing after 7pm. One can only try..

15) De-clutter and DIY

I'm not a horder per se, I just collect a lot of things that I do not regularly sort out. I've endless bags of clothes I no longer wear, boxes full of ticket stubs, postcards and souvenirs from long forgotten holidays. Files from courses I did years ago reside in "bags for life" with loose photos, broken phones and fliers for plays that are long since over. I'm the sort that thinks - I'll deal with that later, I might need it someday.. I want to cherish that memory. More often than not it takes up useful space. Hence the de-cluttering and quite frankly, like the paperwork above, it stresses me out. 

Once the clutter is cleared, there's so many things that I want to do to my lovely house, paint walls, rescue some furniture from junk shops and make my little haven even more mine...

Let's see how many of the above fifteen I stick to....


*None of these images are (c) mine except the top one....