Attempting Adulthood

 

Today's post (a day late, soz) is a poem about Attempting Adulthood and how in your late twenties, everyone is at very different stages... I hope you like it. Please comment, share etc x

Attempting Adulthood

Don't wish your life away,
They say.
Don't wait for weekends and wine.
Be happy and balanced and like life all the time.
Go into Monday meetings with grace and a smile,
Lack of caffeine is not a reason to be hostile.
Make sure you exercise at least three times a week, but don't worry about your weight.
Squat, lunge, downward dog and eat a healthy diet, a colourful plate.
Read all sorts of books to nurture your mind.
Keep up with politics and documentaries. Be kind.
Do some charity work, perhaps.
Don't collapse.
Socialise, see art and plays and watch the news,
Don't overdo the booze.
If you're single,
You must mingle .
On Tinder and Happen and Hinge, Oh My.
You'll certainly find the girl or guy.
If you're not, then keep up with your mates
Inbetween the convos on mortgage rates.
What's your five year plan?
You've lost your tan.
She's lost her phone again, she's gone a bit wild;
Her ex is in Singapore having someone's love-child.
I can't really afford to go out tonight;
They exchange in the next fortnight.
I'm thinking of sacking it all in to go travelling
My life is unravelling...
You're still young-ish... well not old yet
Too old for drugs and student debt.
Tick-tock,
Biological clock.
I'm bored of the city, but I like the culture and food at 3am
When do you ever use them?
I have a cleaner but shop at Asda and Primark.
I won't queue for clubs anymore, but I'm still scared of the dark.
Nothing's solved with drink, aimless spending or a late-night screw.
As the cliche says, just do what's right for you.
**

#The100DayProject #100DaysofWriting, Day 10

On Fear Defining Us...

 

I didn't want to have New Years resolutions this year. A list of tick boxes that defines how I feel about myself when I read them the following year, older not wiser, still growing. Yes I'm still too fat and I haven't fucking read War and Peace OK

I thought of only two things that I wanted. Two words that don't have a Yes you have achieved or No you've failed, but are part of how I want to live better, every day. Nourish and Fear. (insert sarcastic comment here)

Nourish is about faking it till I feel it. Nourishing myself, my mind, my body, my self-esteem. I often struggle to love or respect myself, being the constantly self-critical yawnsome type that I am. My heart often beats to not-good enough, not good-enough, not good-enough.

It's hard to fake self-love is the thing because no matter the look you direct to the outside world, the little voices inside still chatter away. Irritants that they are repeating ones own shortcomings to ourselves, drowned out only by hard cardio, hysterical laughter or vodka.

On Still Being An Inbetweener

Firstly I'd like to point out that the original series of The Inbetweeners started in 2008 when I was neither a teenager, nor male, however certainly identified with that late-teenage claw through life. Time was when everything was a potential embarassment or fuck-up and you really didn't know whether you were coming or going. Whether it was cringe-worthy encounters with the opposite sex, the endless quest for "cool" or the feeling of being slightly out of place in every possible situation.

I also identified greatly with the sentiment of the "Inbetweener", halfway between childhood and adulthood and not really sure if you want to be either. The thing is now in my *cough late twenties, I would have assumed that my "Inbetweener" stage was over and I'd be well into my adjusted adult phase where everyday life was a breeze and my problems were only important, real things like death and taxes.

I have since discovered that is not the case.

What's Happn'd to Me? Another F***king Dating App...

It all started with a column in the Saturday Telegraph... A new dating app they said... From Paris they said... So so much better than Tinder they said. A tap and a click and an entering of my iTunes password (why when it's free BTW) and here I am reordering my pictures and waiting. Waiting to cross paths with someone.... 

The premise behind Happn is that it's for those lost chances in love. A man on the tube that you haven't the courage to talk to. A woman you admired whilst on your lunch break. It brings up on a feed everyone you cross paths with, as well as mentioning when and where you crossed paths with them. Once you click on your profile you can see further photos and anything they might have written a about themselves.

Like Tinder you can then cross or heart them and it only informs you if you have both clicked on the heart because the it's a crush and you can message each other. If you cross them they won't come up in your feed again nor you in theirs. Oh there's also charms which you can send or receive from people who you haven't hearted and it's basically like an old school Facebook poke. Hi I'm here, look at me! 

I'm quite enjoying the amount of quite beautiful men that I apparently pass every day. I have yet to see evidence of them if I'm honest... It also terrifies me that it has a function which ensures that it measures how many times you have crossed their path. I have crossed path with Marco, the bar manager at a pub v near work five times. Except I haven't, I've not been in, I've just walked past. 

Location accuracy is not my only issue with Happn, I'm a little worried about the stalking possibilities. People you've not even glanced at on your feed, yet not been disturbed enough to X could just longer there reappearing, working out your route as you happily go about life and basically stalking you..

So why is it still on my Home Screen after one week, in all its blue love hearted, irksomely spelt glory? Because basically I'm a romantic. I love the thought of someone admiring you from a far and you them and it all working out. 

Think about the potential. If Cinderella had Happn, she wouldn't need no glass slipper bitches... Plus I'm kinda addicted.. 

PS: The only person I've hearted ergo immediate crush was when I was on a weekend away in New Forest. He was 25 and farmery and unable to stalk me... clearly still got issues.

Notes on Online Dating: Men's Initial Fails...

Recently in a bid to keep my New Year's Resolution of going on some actual dates (I hate dating.. The awkwardness), I have not only upped my Tinder playing but also joined Match.com (apparently the best??). I can't say it had been that successful, mainly because my crippling awkwardness and distaste for any kind of pre-date, pre-meet messaging with a stranger has meant that I am less likely to reply to a message from some half decent (or p'rhaps not) man who has made contact than I am to a message from the STI clinic. Though is not what this post is about... Rather in my virtual travels, as well as those of my friends, I have noticed some major mistakes that these love or most probably shag-seeking lads are making in their online etiquette*. Simple no nos that could be so easily rectified. So I have decided to outline a few here, all of these are made in the initial stages of contact or even prior to that, on a profile page.... Seriously boys, whatever you want from your foray in to the virtual flirtosphere, these fails will certainly render you less fuckable:

1) Let me not take a selfie:

Straight men should never take serious selfies. Never. Apart from the odd humorous ones with friends or after climbing Everest or some other admirable feat, boy selfies are just weird.

They are especially weird when they are you in front of your mirror or pouting in bed. Just no! I appreciate that men may not have as many instagrammed pics of themselves #brunching as women, but these kind of pics just make you look weird and friendless or like a pervert. And please for the love of God stop taking selfies where you are clearly trying to squeeze your "guns" out in a tight white tee whilst pouting like a Kardashian. It's not sexy and really most girls prefer a nice smiling pic of you taken when you were actually having fun.

2) No photos of you with champagne/standing beside a sports car/looking like a #richkidsofinstagram
 

Is money all you have? Is that really the kind of woman you want to attract. If you are rich, you look like a pompous ass and if you are not, you look like a try hard and someone who values material possessions far too much. 

Every time I see a picture of a man standing next to a Ferrari/underneath the Nikki Beach sign/chugging a bottle of Veuve Cliquot in hand, all I think is what a dick and any self-respecting, decent girl will feel the same. Mind you, if you want to shag a career-wag type this may work, but it'll cost you. Look you've already said you own a Ferrari, she'll expect you to spend lots on your date and even then she still might not shag you. (NB This is sort of what I feel about people who write their salary (optional) on thei Match.com profile... but I'm sure some girls search only for men who specify "RichK and up".)

3) Are you always pissed? If you are hide it, if not get some new photos...

 

Look I would generally describe myself as a girl who likes a drink and a good time and I know there are countless pictures of me on nights out looking a little worse for wear, but it's not everything I am and in an online dating (hookup) profile I really think one should show a bit of variety. 15 photos of yourself absolutely drunk off your arse on a night out does not scream good-timer, it screams alcoholic. This is not generally what someone looks for when browsing the internet dating scene.. Tall, funny, drinking problem....

4) Leave a little to the imagination:

OK, here I'm not actually talking about your body (although I don't think cock shots are a good plan either), but what you write on your profile. Sure, having nothing on there makes you seem like you think you are too good for it - get off then what are you doing here -  and you have definitely got to give some clues about who you are. However an essay about every one of your hobbies and the ins-and-outs of your gym routine is just not necessary or interesting. Plus if you do score a date, what an earth are you going to talk about if you've already outlined every possible slightly quirky thing about you.

5) Careful with bringing your agro baggage/misogyny out too early

I recently received a message from a manboy on Match.com that firstly listed his qualities, among which he included good kisser, good lover (yup odd already and he did not include arrogance amongst his virtues). However this was not the most worrying part, this came later when he switched to caps in the fourth paragraph to proclaim "and above all she must be OPEN AND HONEST, I DO NOT PLAY GAMES AND I EXPECT THE SAME FROM HER!!!" Okay psycho... He rounded off by saying he was looking for a looking for a "down to earth normal relationship".... sure.... 

Such a fiery approach is never going to work, it comes across as scary and a bit Fritzl and on a lighter note, no one wants to go on a date with someone with that much past relationship baggaggggeeee. I hasten to add that this one didn't get a response..

6) Bring the humour or at least some quirkiness in an initial message

This not only makes you stand out but also makes it a lot easier to reply to. How many times do you think that attractive woman you're messaging receives a "hi, how are you?" or "how was your day"... just blurgh and dull and yawn. Some of the best messages my friends have talked about have either included a gentle ribbing about something on their profile or an odd question that piques their interest... It starts off a conversation on a gentle incline rather than with something that asks a lot of your messagee. People are innately lazy and unless you are Ryan Gosling, a lot of women will not bother flogging a dead horse of a conversation with someone they know nothing about...

So that's it for now... more updates on my online adventures when I actually go on a date I am sure... Get ready for a cringefest...

*FYI I am definitely not saying that girls do not make as many similar and added errors but as I have yet to reach the point of desperation where I give up on men and browse the women, I have not seen them. On seconds thoughts, I have heard of a few terrible tales from girl friends who've got it massively wrong (note ALOT of guys see Tinder as just a hook-up app) and from male friends who've discussed disastrous women... so perhaps this will be another post...

Images via WeHeartIt

Febresolutions 2014

So yes it is February and eleven days in... However, I do not agree with making resolutions in January. It is the worst month of the year when one is already thoroughly depressed. To be honest, I have never liked resolutions as a rule, they are always so negative and dull. Focusing on forsaking the things we love and berating ourselves for not being good enough people. From last year I really decided that I would never start the new year with such predictability. But it seems almost impossible not to get excited by the prospect of the proverbial clean page.. or an excuse to alter our Christmas-clogged psyches that last had a re-jig in the post-summer haze of back-to-school September. I also advocate starting in Feb, this may be because my birthday and about ten of my friends are in January and so our Christmas excess and lack of concentration on anything but celebration seems to last extra-long.

My 2013 - let's call it aspiration - was to "dwell in possibility" (a little vague??) as well as to start blogging and writing again and to go to bed earlier. It was only really in the last part of the year that I began to heed these resolutions and actually begun writing again. I tried to go to bed earlier for about a week.. This did not last.

This year, I feel in the perfect place to do much more... And so here they are, my aims for 2014 written down as much for myself as for anyone else reading: I'll warn you there's 15 - should be able to accomplish one surely...  Do not expect any promises to give up smoking or drink less as really... if that's what you want... look away now.

1) Learn to Code Properly

Apparently everyone should have the skill. It makes you, you know a "desirable" employee. For me it's really about being able to make stuff look good; to be able tinker about with websites for clients and myself without you know calling the tech guy.. Because really it's so much easier if you can do things yourself. At the moment I can do basics through google. Also, I'd like to make this site look better. 

2) Embrace Awkward

Whether it's innate shyness, extreme Britishness or something else. I have a severe fear of the awkward situation. Not just a normal #cringe moment, I go in to full blown fear. At the moment, I have a policy of avoid or run- away. I can't even watch awkward situations on films or tv shows, I turn away and cover my ears. In real life situations, I walk away or change the subject if anything awkward comes up. I never go on dates for fear of awkward, or if I do, I get tipsy enough that I don't feel the awkward. However I believe in facing your fears so for me, it's time to face the awkward. Quite how to do this and how exactly I will fight my natural instincts.. Is yet to be seen.

2) Write My Play

I have had the idea for a good six months and I think it's a good one. I've been scared of the form and the genre, I'm used to writing prose and haven't written a play script for ten years. However, I think the idea is so good that someone else will write it soon if I don't, and that will annoy me soooo much.

3)  Have a Night of Passion with Harry Styles or Marry Benedict Cumberbatch

Yeah ok, this one's obv a silly one. Have a curly-crush on the 1D Lothario, even though he most likely bats for the other team and is substantially younger. #perv. As for Benedict, totally in love with that man. He's just so clever and slightly odd-looking which I enjoy. There's no harm putting it down on paper... You never know...

4) Cook

Have started cooking more recently and vow to do more, for health and hosting reasons. Maybe will also add to my potential wife-skills #stillafeminist

5) Continue to Write and Not Just on Here

Writing might be the activity that makes me feel the most content and grounded in life (as well as angry and exasperated at times). Yet for three years I did not write one word that wasn't work related.

Chewed up by the 7-7 London life that we trip along through from desk to treadmill, from transport to social occasion, meal to life admin. I forgot - or more like avoided - doing what I loved because I was scared to. Late 2013, I began writing this blog and now I feel like I'm ready to write more and more and hopefully even for publication. Prose and poetry and screenplays and articles - I want to try it all.

6) Get Body the Best it Can Be Whilst Still Under 30 as Not Much Time Left (and Climb the Three Peaks)

I'm an all or nothing girl when it comes to exercise. Either a total gym-bunny; obsessed and depressed if I miss a workout or not doing anything at all and living the life of the London work-hard, play-hard and nothing in between kind of girl. At 28 though, it's time to get myself into the best shape I can before my body won't do what I tell it to so easily...

I've wanted to do the three peaks for five years at least and as part of my fitness goal and because my angel little sister is constantly doing impressive fitness feats, this is the year.

7) Be Early or at Least On Time

Perpetually 15 minutes late to EVERYTHING. I've always hated feeling constrained when I don't have to. I don't feel like it's a rude thing, more like a daydreamer thing. Though I don't like the thought that it comes across rude to others...So I'm giving it a go from now on....

8) Walk and Read

When I walk I find my brain settles on it's best ideas and so walking to and / or from work every day seems like a smart idea. Plus it helps with the above.

As a child I was a bookworm, literally nose always in a book and I still am... But these days so many other things seem to distract me. I want to try and make sure I get through at least a book a month. Not only do I enjoy it, but it powers my brain and how can I hope to be a good writer if I don't read.

9) Try to Eat Minimal Sugar as You Drink Enough of it at Weekends

Sugar is the devil and addictive and makes you fat. But I love white wine. And that's really it. 

10) Date

I hate dating (see embrace awkward above). I've always found it terribly American and fake, but really I'm not likely to find the love of my life bar hopping or at work, so I think I need to do more of it. I also relish the opportunity for amusing material for this blog.

11) Paperwork, Cash & Adult Shit

I hate paperwork, leave it in piles until I give myself a panic attack from the stress and I'm pretty bad with money. Again a growing-up point but more because I know it will make me happier if I am organised.

12) Tattoo

I used to think they were dreadful and dirty, or at least something people did to follow the crowd. I've scoffed at friends who have them. Now I want one, probably because I finally know and trust myself enough to not regret it. Watch this space...

13) Give Something

Life is better when you do things for other people. I think I'm pretty thoughtful to my friends and family- most of the time. However, I want to do something for a bigger cause for someone who really needs it. 

14) Tech-NO

So I'm a little too addicted to the internet, to social media: instagram, Facebook, twitter, linkedin, pinterest, vine - you name it, I've dabbled. I'm subscribed to hundreds of blogs, viral sites and everything in between. I know though that I should switch off at least one night a week. Nothing after 7pm. One can only try..

15) De-clutter and DIY

I'm not a horder per se, I just collect a lot of things that I do not regularly sort out. I've endless bags of clothes I no longer wear, boxes full of ticket stubs, postcards and souvenirs from long forgotten holidays. Files from courses I did years ago reside in "bags for life" with loose photos, broken phones and fliers for plays that are long since over. I'm the sort that thinks - I'll deal with that later, I might need it someday.. I want to cherish that memory. More often than not it takes up useful space. Hence the de-cluttering and quite frankly, like the paperwork above, it stresses me out. 

Once the clutter is cleared, there's so many things that I want to do to my lovely house, paint walls, rescue some furniture from junk shops and make my little haven even more mine...

Let's see how many of the above fifteen I stick to....


*None of these images are (c) mine except the top one....