Ok, I'm Ready...

I think I'm ready now, finally. I have never really been before, but I think I am now because I know what I want and what I don't want. I've made those distinctions.

I've spend time having loveless flirtation and sensual (and not so sensual encounters). I've dated and dismissed many a man (and boy). I've had a few short "relationships". Mostly I've been afraid of it, to be honest, afraid of what somebody else would do to me. 

Maybe it's because I wasn't really sure about myself, whether I like myself all that much, whether I was who I was meant to be. The thought of blind and internet (sorry app- what is this the 00s) dating just sent me into a spin of fear and insecurity that they might reflect back at me the flaws I had already outlined in myself.

I was never one of those people who dated to fill a hole or to feel more secure and steady in a situation, because for me, putting yourself into that vulnerable position of being half of two rather than half of one was not something that settled me. In fact it sent me careering off into outer space, heart thumping head-spinning, ecstatic then anxious, crying with laughter, then just crying. I didn't want this. I wanted a steady ground.

I am ready now, because I've realised what I want and that steadiness often comes from within. I'm ready now because I am happier with who I am.

So if you know anyone...

Kind but not weak. Compassionate, likes animals and nature. Reads, please. Interested in all ideas even if they don't agree with them. Doesn't talk over people who are quieter than them. Respect's people of all ages, sexes, colours, nationalities, backgrounds, creeds, educated or not. Realises we are all the same, WE ARE ALL THE SAME. Can take (and make) a joke. Does not practice bitterness. Loves to laugh, to make others laugh, the moment of laughter. Wants fun in life. Responsible, but not anal. Understands me, lets me be me, even if that is odd. Intelligent, not necessarily academically or bookish, but bright, sparky, interested. Likes talking and listening. Likes long conversations about the world and what it means... but can tug me in and make me feel safe too if I drift off into the stratosphere. Healthy attitude towards mind, body and soul. Appreciates and indulges in the sensual pleasures of life, but does not gorge on them. Smiles at people even if it makes them look stupid. Tactile. Reassuring. Shares their problems. Lets me look after them sometimes. Not scared of their feelings. Quiet, but also loud. Trustworthy and trusting. Has passions and interests. Would be a good father. I want to find him beautiful, but that doesn't mean anyone else needs to. Makes my friends smile and feel warm inside. Interested in my family. Open-minded. Likes the sea and the mountains and travelling. As flawed as humans are. Never thinks he knows it all.

Do you know anyone like that? I don't yet and this list may seem unrealisitc. But I have no stipulations for money or looks or background or anything else. None of that, just these things.

I'm just putting that out there.

#The100DayProject, #100DaysofWriting, #Day12.

What's Happn'd to Me? Another F***king Dating App...

It all started with a column in the Saturday Telegraph... A new dating app they said... From Paris they said... So so much better than Tinder they said. A tap and a click and an entering of my iTunes password (why when it's free BTW) and here I am reordering my pictures and waiting. Waiting to cross paths with someone.... 

The premise behind Happn is that it's for those lost chances in love. A man on the tube that you haven't the courage to talk to. A woman you admired whilst on your lunch break. It brings up on a feed everyone you cross paths with, as well as mentioning when and where you crossed paths with them. Once you click on your profile you can see further photos and anything they might have written a about themselves.

Like Tinder you can then cross or heart them and it only informs you if you have both clicked on the heart because the it's a crush and you can message each other. If you cross them they won't come up in your feed again nor you in theirs. Oh there's also charms which you can send or receive from people who you haven't hearted and it's basically like an old school Facebook poke. Hi I'm here, look at me! 

I'm quite enjoying the amount of quite beautiful men that I apparently pass every day. I have yet to see evidence of them if I'm honest... It also terrifies me that it has a function which ensures that it measures how many times you have crossed their path. I have crossed path with Marco, the bar manager at a pub v near work five times. Except I haven't, I've not been in, I've just walked past. 

Location accuracy is not my only issue with Happn, I'm a little worried about the stalking possibilities. People you've not even glanced at on your feed, yet not been disturbed enough to X could just longer there reappearing, working out your route as you happily go about life and basically stalking you..

So why is it still on my Home Screen after one week, in all its blue love hearted, irksomely spelt glory? Because basically I'm a romantic. I love the thought of someone admiring you from a far and you them and it all working out. 

Think about the potential. If Cinderella had Happn, she wouldn't need no glass slipper bitches... Plus I'm kinda addicted.. 

PS: The only person I've hearted ergo immediate crush was when I was on a weekend away in New Forest. He was 25 and farmery and unable to stalk me... clearly still got issues.