Four Weddings and Added Instagram Hashtags

When I watched Four Weddings and a Funeral as a young teenager, I yearned for the time of weddings, for country houses and London receptions and all best friends having LOLs over champagne. I couldn’t wait for the romance and the Mini Coopers and the hats. Now I have officially entered wedding life season, here are a few observations that I would like to make about how my childhood dream has been destroyed...: 

1) They do not warn you about the money. I know everyone complains about this... but FFS. 

Starting with 

A) The Hen/Stag Do: It is in the South of France with MOH e-mailing everyone “Hi Guys! Please all transfer me £500.00 all-in for Buttercup’s hen. Also please all prepare a stand-up comedy routine / original song / handmade quilt for Buttercup as a gift. Will be such LOLS. Also send me stories about Buttercup.” – I don’t know any fucking stories she’s an old work colleague that I didn’t much like. My only stories about her revolve around her lunch choices and the occasional time she’d get pissed on a work night out and flirt with the intern.

I’m so happy to be paying an arm and a leg to be attending a hen do with NOBODY I KNOW. And when you attend you realise that half of them are sober yogis with no chat and the other half drink like fishes but cry in the loos about how they’re not MOH because Buttercup chose their other school-friend Sharon and that yes they might have kissed one of Buttercup’s boyfriends when they were 15, but that was years ago. Cry cry cry. Yes, I love spending my night consoling girls and then having to take them home in a cab because no one wants to upset Buttercup and then having to pay fifty Euros when they throw up in the back seat.

B) Wedding List: We are registered at Blah Blah Uppity Shop. Please do not go off the list. Oh yes, sorry that I’m not so organised that I do this early and end with overpriced eccentric items that I could buy ten times cheaper on eBay. It’s also generally online now, so no excuses. Worse is, “Please give us cash for our honeymoon in the Seychelles” OK I’m really happy that I’m paying for your holiday (business class flights obvs).  I can’t afford a summer holiday this year, because I have to go on your hen do.

C) The Wedding. Look obviously there’s the outfit, but we are savvy enough these days to buy things that are versatile and are not from Coast or Hobbs and unsuitable for any other kind of occasion. We mix it up these days and we don’t much care if we are underdressed. But Buttercup and Piers are getting married in some way-out-of-London English village where the only rooms available cost £300 a night. Or you can sleep in your car. Or sometimes, they’ll put tepees’ in the garden for all their lovely guests... I’m tired thinking about it.

Not even mentioning transport to said wedding.... 

2) HASHTAGButtercupandPiers #TheWindsors:   

Look I have Instagram to show off about pretty meals I’ve had, take drunken pictures of my friends and stalk the Kardashians.  And as a slight promotion because I’m freelance. It irks me that I now have to ensure all my pics are #appropriately for all Hen dos and Wedding activities. Just in case people want to search for photos of the happy couple’s day. “We’re all using this hashtag”. Someone I know went to a wedding where the hashtag was on the Order of Service, I mean FFS. Sometimes I get the hashtag wrong on purpose just to irritate.

NOTE: This is even worse with weddings you are not invited to, where you have to see all your friends’ hashtagged pics of the wedding on your feeds, whilst you sit at home with a bottle or red and a home pedicure kit. 

3) How Original Can You Be: 

In the general tradition of Milennial weddings, apparently they all have to have some extremely original attraction at the reception. Fine. But can I say that photo booths are NOT original, they are old hat. Neither are pop-up food vans for when the party is finished.  Neither are hog roasts. Neither are hangover-kit wedding favours. Or themed vehicles for guests from the church to the reception. Or big light up letters of the couples initials. Screens with slideshows of the couple on repeat are decidedly 00s. Don’t even get me started on mimed musical extravaganzas featuring the wedding guests. Have the things that reflect you as a couple if you will, do not play the orginality game, unless you are actually being original. 

4) Cash Bars. 

Look, I live in the 21st century. I know that bride and grooms pay for their own weddings and that everything is uber expensive and that we're in a recession, saving for mortgages, already pregnant etc. I don’t resent having to pay for my own alcohol ok. My intake will not be unsubstantial. But for F-sake, please warn me of this before I realise 50 miles from a cash point and three glasses of free champagne in... People these days use plastic unless they are over 50 or a tax dodger. 

5) Plus Ones: 

Again, I understand that weddings are expensive. However if you are going to invite my best mate Sally’s boyfriend that she’s been dating for a month just because he’s male and shares her bed, then why can’t I invite my best friend who you’ve actually known for 10 years. I’m considering pretending one of my male friends is my boyfriend just so I don’t have to sit with your 22 year-old second cousin whom I’ll probably end up snogging because I DON’T KNOW ANYONE ELSE HERE.

Having said all these things, I do love a good wedding and I can get over most of these things if I feel that mainly it is about the love. And I'm thankful for the invites. Just don’t send me a pre-addressed RSVP card without a stamp on it. ;)