On Fear Defining Us...

 

I didn't want to have New Years resolutions this year. A list of tick boxes that defines how I feel about myself when I read them the following year, older not wiser, still growing. Yes I'm still too fat and I haven't fucking read War and Peace OK

I thought of only two things that I wanted. Two words that don't have a Yes you have achieved or No you've failed, but are part of how I want to live better, every day. Nourish and Fear. (insert sarcastic comment here)

Nourish is about faking it till I feel it. Nourishing myself, my mind, my body, my self-esteem. I often struggle to love or respect myself, being the constantly self-critical yawnsome type that I am. My heart often beats to not-good enough, not good-enough, not good-enough.

It's hard to fake self-love is the thing because no matter the look you direct to the outside world, the little voices inside still chatter away. Irritants that they are repeating ones own shortcomings to ourselves, drowned out only by hard cardio, hysterical laughter or vodka.

The 12 Best Presents

I was going to write a post about My Forever Christmas Gifts; a typical seasonal salivate over "things I have always wanted" or would feel better and more valued as a person if I had. The list was a lusty, lingering, drooling dive into every Christmas gift guide produced by every single broadsheet, glossy magazine and/or blog/Instagram account of whatever twenty/thirty-something is stripping their unattainable life bare this week and making us all believe in the magic of the x-brand-life. The beautiful list included things like a Burberry Mac or monogrammed scarf, huge bottles of Jo Malone perfume (plus matching candle), Chanel bag, Liz Earle's entire range.. Alex Monroe jewelry. There were more considered forever items in there too... Books, flowers, art... (My one most favourite thing ever would be a personalised art piece from God's Own Junk Yard- just in case you wondered)

But I didn't write that piece because recently I have been thinking about what this blog is meant to be and how to make it better and more true to me and the place it came from when I started writing it. And really despite the title, it was about life-enrichment and happiness - mine and hopefully those reading as well as wider issues in the world that would affect those things. So whether I'm writing about a play, a bar or off on some feminist rant. I want it to be for a good thing; to make people happy, to make them think or just to make myself think.

So that decadent post.. That wouldn't be me thinking about anything except things I cut out of magazines in my early teens. It would also encourage my inclination to sheath difficult considerations and decisions with retail blow outs and getting high on NEW NEW NEW. Plus there are other blogger who do it farrr better than I would.

So instead I'm writing a different kind of gift list. This list is what I think humans really want for Christmas and for life. I've though about what I want, what I think my friends, family, colleagues, acquaintances and just general humanity would really want if they looked deep inside and weren't afraid to ask. Best of all, to give these things are mostly free or if not the cash cost is minimal. Mostly it's your commitment. Also, perhaps try to give the ones that don't come most naturally to you.. Because then it is a true gift, an effort made - there's a reason they give a prize for that at school. Let me know what you think and if there is anything you would add... I hope, sincerely that it is not too much of schmaltzy, American vibe.. But sue me if it is as it is Christmas and I love Miracle on 34th Street.

1) #LOLs

The Internet is awash with things that people have created to make each other laugh and ask anyone and one of the qualities that they value in others above all is a shared sense of humour.. So why do we not make the most of that EVERY day.

I'm not talking about the brash laddish humour performed in a group situation to win banter points, but the deep hearty laugh, the shared giggle that we can bestow on those we know the best.

One of my best friends has this gift, she always just wants to make people laugh, even when it's just the two of you and she laughs more when she sees that lift in another, plus she thinks about the individual and what they'd find amusing. 

I don't think about this all the time, I've never thought it my duty to lift the spirits of another in that way. I am more of a dry sarcastic comment type and if I have a day where I feel the bloody world is on my shoulders I wait for another to pick up the humour. 

But give the gift of a LOL or two and you'll find that you're lightened too.

2) Time

Who has enough of it, really. I don't, no one I know seems to. Every one would like more of it.

Help someone with a task so that it takes them half the time or offer to do something for them, so they are gifted some time to do something else that they really love to do.

Babysit, do their laundry, take a pile of work off their desk. Because giving your time really, sweetie, it's the most powerful currency you have. Realise that, for you and others.

3) A Conversation / Listen

Some people are good listeners in life, they have the knack to sit back and let someone else really talk without interruption or fear or worry that you've used up all your time on this round. Become one of those people, listen, think and consider what someone else has said without waiting to put your two pence in about your hella-fucking day or how you COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN THROUGH/FEEL EXACTLY THE SAME. I'm not saying don't consider it offer your opinion, but really listen trust yeah, what are they actually saying to you...

4) A Skill

We all have them, whether we know it or not, yet how often do we give them to others without waiting for a payment or a favour in return. Without giving our "gift" because we know we'll get something back.

Some people know everyone and chat well and can introduce people to others who may help them/love them/employ them.. Some people can build or restore or fix things. Some can write, some can paint, some can occupy children for hours on end. Maybe you know about gardening or you've travelled to a destination they are going to. Or you can organise or file stuff or clean, you take great photographs, can shape eyebrows, play the guitar or wrap presents like they've been done professionally.

Whatever you can do. I'm sure someone else can't and would be grateful for it.

5) Ego Boost

Browsing Pinterest the other day I came across an affordable present hack board and one of the things on it was a series of sealed letters. There were six I believe.. alll for one person and each of them had something written in the address field. Open me when you feel lonely/when you don't like yourself/when you are tired/when you hate the day. Someone had carefully constructed each letter for an individual ready to make them feel better, to appreciate themselves and praise them for their decisions when they most need it. A beautiful thing for someone you love..

Yah, you London hipsters might have trouble with this one, thinking it the most distinctly non-British of things, to put out onto the page. But it is your voice remember and you can include as much sarcasm and fucking swearing as you want as long as it does the job...

Or you don't have to do this. But just boost someone's ego in some way. You'll know the best way I'm sure if maybe they'd fucking laugh at you if you gave them a bunch of letters. Trust them with a task, ask for their help or say nice things about them to someone else. Anything that tickles their inner human spirit, maybe focus on something that they're not often told.

6) Sleep...

A duvet day, an extra couple of hours. A more peaceful way to fall asleep. A candle, a playlist, a story. Use money or don't. But anyone is grateful for extra sleep.

7) Pay Attention to What They Care About

I know we do this with bought gifts once a year but maybe it would be better to do it more regularly with though and small actions. A conversation, an extra question, a photograph, a link, time out of your schedule to learn about something/someone that to be honest you couldn't really give a shit about. Let them talk, go with them to something or organise a trip. Remember the names they told you about, the boring situation, the new thing that usually you would glaze over during in conversation. Make an effort to care.

8) Reliability or Routine

A much underestimated gift is this. People think about it mostly in terms of older people or jobs, (Must visit Granny every last Sunday of the month etc) but it is a powerful thing. The sheer stability and therefore joy we can feel when we can count on something is immeasurable. Many people don't have it, if you know someone who doesn't, maybe try to give them that.

It is easy to promise and cancel, harder to commit. Think about what you in your life know you can rely on at all times and think about how you can give that to someone who has less.

9) A Chance

Harder to define. Some sit on the edge of the maybe or the someday or the it might happen, waiting for a chance. Some have no chances and never have. If you have any power to give someone a small chance in life, whether that is a job, a room, a place on a team or a chance as a friend or lover. Life can be made on the little chances babe.. It can.

10) A Little Push.. / Encouragement

You Know those people who always seem on the edge, who don't get off their arses and fix their problems or somehow definitely can't on their own.

If you have any strength to be a bossy fucking bastard and make them or the patience to be a sensitive attendant who can gently guide them in the right direction, then do it. Because if they get anywhere or feel like they've achieved anything, you will reap the gifts right back.

11) Respect

Sometimes I think we forget to respect the people we care about. If they have been in our lives for a long time, it is easy to box them and to dismiss their little quirks and opinions. But respecting someone else for who they are, for what they say or do is such a dual pleasure and people bloom under it. If you find someone difficult to respect sometimes, take a step back, breathe and think about where they are coming from and what you can respect them for.

None of us are better than anyone else, even if we all have different gifts.

12) Consideration / Love

Perhaps the most saccharine of the list and the hardest to define. Consideration is not simply how we would want to be treated - for we are all different are we not - but how they would.

Love is unconditional, but if you love someone, it's the time of year to consider if you are doing all the things on this list for them. I love a lot of people, but I can be a selfish dick sometimes, far too concerned with constantly assessing my own happiness and life goals. So I'm making it my mission over this festive period and into 2015 to consider those I love and if I'm doing everything I can to show them how fucking grateful I am to have them in my life.

Merry Christmas Internet, hope I didn't choke you with the maudlin sentimentality of it all...

Love, Please Read the Signs...

Have you ever had one of those days that pricks you, pinches you, pokes you around; life's not slapping you in the face, it's just cruelly teasing you like a small child would another, pushing your boundaries until you feel like crumbling up into the foetus position and weeping with the fatigue of it. I just had one of those days/24 hours and I hated it. I hated it mostly because my usual mantra is to rise above the angst and the first world problems and the stupid day-to-day shit. I like to play the part of positive and enthused even when I don't feel that even a little bit. Because I used to be a bit of a melancholy, cynic at times and I did not enjoy it one little bit.

But today.. Aah today got to me and I did not enjoy it. I wanted to cry and complain and beat my fists, beat away the feeling of not being good enough. Because surely it could not be my fault this prickly day. However, following a little bit (a lot) of thought and deep breaths, I realised this prickling, this poking by life is just it giving me a little shove, a little push, a little bit of a hard time..

Move it's telling me, move. There are things you're not happy with. You're ignoring some things. PAY ATTENTION to the signs, to yourself. 

If we listened to ourselves and our reactions to things daily, we would have a clear map of where we would be happiest going (joy is in the journey, you will always be on one). We'd have Google maps and City Mapper and Uber metaphorically routed out in our brains.

Why are we resisting, why are we angry, why are we upset? Think about yourself love, think about what you want.

When I get in these muddles, I try to think  like I'm talking to my best friend whom I love and respect and not myself who I often berate. It's part of what Zen Buddhism teaches really, be mindful, be mindful of yourself and the moment. Don't over react or rage or squash it. Zen teaches you to have a still mind. A balanced mind at all times, because external circumstances should not affect your happiness if you are truly balanced inside.

But whilst we are trying to gain a balanced life, a happy mind, sometimes we need to give into the tears and the anger and the frustration; let it roll over you, indulge in it for just a little bit and then asks yourself why and move forward... Make decisions. Eschew practicality for a moment and then think about what it is you really want out of life and if your current path is taking you there.

Because love, you see, as countless cliches claim, life is now and you are living it and if you have these things that we should all be grateful for every day, namely food, warmth, clothes, lack of real fear, literacy, anyone who loves you- thanks to Marc and Angel for that link- but if you have these things.. you don't need be facing daily taunting and teasing and struggles with yourself.

Put an ear to the ground, think and listen and make a new choice tomorrow. Change things that need to be changed to make you happy, because only you have the power to, love. Only you.

Stop Schizing Out You Retard: The #ThinkSpeakMind Mantra

Why is Derogatory Language Towards the Mentally Ill and Disabled Still Accepted?

In the media we are constantly hearing about instances of misuse of language that offends. Whether this is racist insults or homophobic slanders, misuse of words such as rape, sexist jibes etc; any celebrity or politician or public persona that slips is plastered all over the front page and decimated by the twitter-sphere whether their use of this language was purposeful or not. 

I abhor cruel, offensive language. I also think people should be careful when they are using powerful words e.g. rape as a metaphor or to enhance a feeling. Case in point Charlize Theron or Brooks Newmark. It trivialises the awful reality of the word. Language is powerful and we should be aware of how we use it. The point I am raising is why we do not place the same value on slang used to describe those with mental disorders, learning difficulties or those who are mentally ill. 

In the last six months, I have often heard each of the below used at least once informally and unashamedly to describe situations:

- She is such a schizo, she was fine one minute ago 

(someone who changes mood quickly)

- Stop having an epi, we'll sort it 

(To someone who is getting very wound up) - Epilepsy is not even a mental illness or learning difficulty, it's a neurological disorder but it is used in a similar vein

- God, I'm such a retard / so autistic

(after making a stupid mistake / being a bit oddly numerate)

- You're such a spaz

(to someone who has tripped clumsily) 

- I'm going mental, seriously

(a lot and I've been guilty of this one as casual adjective)

- You look fucking rexy, amazing 

(to someone who has lost weight)

- Are you being a bit "special"

(to someone who is struggling to complete a task)

- Can you wipe the surface after, sorry I'm so OCD

(after cooking or using a kitchen)

I could go on. The thing Is people don't react to these things like they would if I said "You look so gay", or "Stop being such a big girl" (said to a man) or any other offensive comment.

Why is this? Having grown up with a sister with significant learning difficulties, I have spent my life wincing every time people casually say retarded. I usually don't react angrily to it because I don't believe that it helps -(unless someone is saying something offensive about people with learning difficulties)- if it's used casually, I tend to ignore it. At the very most, I'll ask them softly not to use that language. I understand that it has become a colloquialism, however I think now is the time to change that.

People who are mentally ill or mentally disabled (very different things too obviously, I'm aware), who have the conditions that the words are referring to are not being stupid or overreacting or behaving in an unnecessary way like the slang insinuates. It is not a choice, nor does it make them any less than anyone else. I know that the world still struggles to understand mental health, learning difficulties and those that are not "normal" but I believe we really we need to lead by example and change this way of speaking as we have done for racist, sexist or homophobic vocabulary. It is important.

This is not about being politically correct, but being humans*. Because to understand and to learn and to empathise, we need to adjust our expression and remember that like everybody, people with these conditions are sisters, brothers, fathers, mothers, friends, colleagues and they have sisters, fathers, brothers, fathers, mothers, friends and colleagues. In fact most people know someone who has a mental illness or know someone who has been born with a mental disability.

I'm starting a movement, not of blame and finger pointing but of re-education and I will be using the hashtag #thinkspeakmind

When I talk about my sister, I generally say she has Special Needs because she does, but she's also just special and I mean that in the wonderful sense of the word, of being an amazing, incredible individual who just happens not to have the same abilities as others. Seeing and hearing that word used derogatorily is like a burn every time.

I've also known people who've suffered with mental illness and again the casual use of language does not help and in some cases can cause shame in talking to anyone about it.

#ThinkSpeakMind

Spread it about, tell me your stories and help people to understand.

*I've most probably slipped up in my reference to something even in this short post..

What Future for Words?

This is the first in a series of posts Ì have written on the Cheltenham Literary Festival. I tried to blog #live-ish from the event, but bearing in my mind I'm rubbish at filing my blog copy when I have a laptop and three free hours...trying to do it between talks and book signings and dinners was a little difficult.. and I was a little lazy.

The What Future For Words? debate was sponsored by Warwick University and asked just asked that questions and furthermore, what the challenges and opportunities facing a new generation of writers in the shifting cultural landscape were. 

Chair Roly Keating of the British library was joined by writer, AL Kennedy, publisher Gail Rebuck, spoken-word artist Amerah Saleh and games writer and novelist Rebecca Levene to discuss the future of writing in the UK.