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Tuesday, 3 June 2014

Notes on Online Dating: Men's Initial Fails...


Recently in a bid to keep my New Year's Resolution of going on some actual dates (I hate dating.. The awkwardness), I have not only upped my Tinder playing but also joined Match.com (apparently the best??). I can't say it had been that successful, mainly because my crippling awkwardness and distaste for any kind of pre-date, pre-meet messaging with a stranger has meant that I am less likely to reply to a message from some half decent (or p'rhaps not) man who has made contact than I am to a message from the STI clinic. Though is not what this post is about... Rather in my virtual travels, as well as those of my friends, I have noticed some major mistakes that these love or most probably shag-seeking lads are making in their online etiquette*. Simple no nos that could be so easily rectified. So I have decided to outline a few here, all of these are made in the initial stages of contact or even prior to that, on a profile page.... Seriously boys, whatever you want from your foray in to the virtual flirtosphere, these fails will certainly render you less fuckable:

1) Let me not take a selfie:


Straight men should never take serious selfies. Never. Apart from the odd humorous ones with friends or after climbing Everest or some other admirable feat, boy selfies are just weird.

They are especially weird when they are you in front of your mirror or pouting in bed. Just no! I appreciate that men may not have as many instagrammed pics of themselves #brunching as women, but these kind of pics just make you look weird and friendless or like a pervert. And please for the love of God stop taking selfies where you are clearly trying to squeeze your "guns" out in a tight white tee whilst pouting like a Kardashian. It's not sexy and really most girls prefer a nice smiling pic of you taken when you were actually having fun.

2) No photos of you with champagne/standing beside a sports car/looking like a #richkidsofinstagram
 

Is money all you have? Is that really the kind of woman you want to attract. If you are rich, you look like a pompous ass and if you are not, you look like a try hard and someone who values material possessions far too much. 

Every time I see a picture of a man standing next to a Ferrari/underneath the Nikki Beach sign/chugging a bottle of Veuve Cliquot in hand, all I think is what a dick and any self-respecting, decent girl will feel the same. Mind you, if you want to shag a career-wag type this may work, but it'll cost you. Look you've already said you own a Ferrari, she'll expect you to spend lots on your date and even then she still might not shag you. (NB This is sort of what I feel about people who write their salary (optional) on thei Match.com profile... but I'm sure some girls search only for men who specify "RichK and up".)

3) Are you always pissed? If you are hide it, if not get some new photos...

 

Look I would generally describe myself as a girl who likes a drink and a good time and I know there are countless pictures of me on nights out looking a little worse for wear, but it's not everything I am and in an online dating (hookup) profile I really think one should show a bit of variety. 15 photos of yourself absolutely drunk off your arse on a night out does not scream good-timer, it screams alcoholic. This is not generally what someone looks for when browsing the internet dating scene.. Tall, funny, drinking problem....

4) Leave a little to the imagination:


OK, here I'm not actually talking about your body (although I don't think cock shots are a good plan either), but what you write on your profile. Sure, having nothing on there makes you seem like you think you are too good for it - get off then what are you doing here -  and you have definitely got to give some clues about who you are. However an essay about every one of your hobbies and the ins-and-outs of your gym routine is just not necessary or interesting. Plus if you do score a date, what an earth are you going to talk about if you've already outlined every possible slightly quirky thing about you.

5) Careful with bringing your agro baggage/misogyny out too early


I recently received a message from a manboy on Match.com that firstly listed his qualities, among which he included good kisser, good lover (yup odd already and he did not include arrogance amongst his virtues). However this was not the most worrying part, this came later when he switched to caps in the fourth paragraph to proclaim "and above all she must be OPEN AND HONEST, I DO NOT PLAY GAMES AND I EXPECT THE SAME FROM HER!!!" Okay psycho... He rounded off by saying he was looking for a looking for a "down to earth normal relationship".... sure.... 

Such a fiery approach is never going to work, it comes across as scary and a bit Fritzl and on a lighter note, no one wants to go on a date with someone with that much past relationship baggaggggeeee. I hasten to add that this one didn't get a response..

6) Bring the humour or at least some quirkiness in an initial message



This not only makes you stand out but also makes it a lot easier to reply to. How many times do you think that attractive woman you're messaging receives a "hi, how are you?" or "how was your day"... just blurgh and dull and yawn. Some of the best messages my friends have talked about have either included a gentle ribbing about something on their profile or an odd question that piques their interest... It starts off a conversation on a gentle incline rather than with something that asks a lot of your messagee. People are innately lazy and unless you are Ryan Gosling, a lot of women will not bother flogging a dead horse of a conversation with someone they know nothing about...

So that's it for now... more updates on my online adventures when I actually go on a date I am sure... Get ready for a cringefest...

*FYI I am definitely not saying that girls do not make as many similar and added errors but as I have yet to reach the point of desperation where I give up on men and browse the women, I have not seen them. On seconds thoughts, I have heard of a few terrible tales from girl friends who've got it massively wrong (note ALOT of guys see Tinder as just a hook-up app) and from male friends who've discussed disastrous women... so perhaps this will be another post...

Images via WeHeartIt

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