Wednesday, 14 January 2015

On Fear Defining Us...


I didn't want to have New Years resolutions this year. A list of tick boxes that defines how I feel about myself when I read them the following year, older not wiser, still growing. Yes I'm still too fat and I haven't fucking read War and Peace OK

I thought of only two things that I wanted. Two words that don't have a Yes you have achieved or No you've failed, but are part of how I want to live better, every day. Nourish and Fear. (insert sarcastic comment here)

Nourish is about faking it till I feel it. Nourishing myself, my mind, my body, my self-esteem. I often struggle to love or respect myself, being the constantly self-critical yawnsome type that I am. My heart often beats to not-good enough, not good-enough, not good-enough.

It's hard to fake self-love is the thing because no matter the look you direct to the outside world, the little voices inside still chatter away. Irritants that they are repeating ones own shortcomings to ourselves, drowned out only by hard cardio, hysterical laughter or vodka.

However, I do believe the little actions will help. If we act like we respect and love ourselves through the little actions, then our mind set will follow. Dressing for the job you want - do you see. Yoga, nutritious food, sleep, speaking of yourself kindly, sticking to an opinion, trying even if you're not the best, not riling yourself up into a fit of anxiety and fear. So I have resolved to nourish myself everyday, even if I do not feel worth it everyday.

Try to treat yourself as you would a best friend, lover, child or family member.

Fear is harder. A blogger I really admire Laura who writes Superlatively Rude recently wrote a piece on Light and Dark and how "your secrets define you." And what else are your secrets but things that you are afraid of saying out loud. My one "resolution" or action-point if you like this year is to do one thing a week that scares me. One thing I am afraid of, small or large, stupid or serious, to push the boundaries I put up, to strike out those fears, to feel adrenalin rush through me... and additionally, to have something new to write about.

I generally start my New Year after my birthday, I just turned 29 on Sunday. I have one year till I'm thirty. That scares the fuck out me. Thirty is adult, is old. Eggs and breasts are definitely past their best.

Last week, my feared thing was to tell someone something I was scared of saying out loud. I did it and was lighter. This week, it is writing this post. Because in this post I will write down my big fears, my deep dark fears, on the internet. For all to see. I hope it will cleanse my insides a little bit, I also hope it will help anyone who reads it have the courage to admit and face their own. If we aren't afraid of something anymore, we can face it and we can allow it to exist in our lives without avoiding it or desperately trying to fake nonchalance. I think some of these fears are probably quite common, existing in varying levels in most of humanity; others are more specific. They aren't going to be things like death and spiders by the way... though I am very afraid of clowns.

So here goes, 15 things... off the cuff:

I'm afraid of rejection and judgement from men

I'm afraid that I am actually a shit writer who will never write anything of substance or that anyone reads

I'm afraid that I'll always be someone who said they were going to do something great, but never got off their fucking arse and did it

I'm scared that I still obsess like a teenager

I'm scared that I will never let myself be in love or near it or close to it and I'll end up alone, with no one, pasting a smiley face on it

I'm afraid that I will never be good with money and that will eventually catch up with me

I'm scared that sometimes I use things like alcohol or buying stuff to quieten down my neurosis and my spinning mind. This makes me feel weak and that scares me too.

I'm scared I'll never have children

I'm afraid of life passing me by and not living it

I'm scared that I still don't really know what I want to do

I'm frightened of anonymity

I'm scared of not being strong enough

Of letting people down

Of getting old and unattractive but still feeling and thinking like a child

I'm scared I'm not hungry enough to do everything I want

Terrified of awkwardness or public humiliation

Afraid that really I'm quite selfish and self obsessed

So 17 things actually and I may sound slightly mad... but I already feel better from writing it down. It's like I'm expelling it. Here's to more posts this year about facing the fear. Hopefully the others will have more laughs and less soul-searching. Because really... if our fears are not life or death situations, we are lucky right.. and why do they have so much control over us. Let's get over it.

Happy 2015 to all, I hope it brings joy and balance and fulfilment and everything you want and deserve.

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